Am I the world’s worst mum?
Tonight as my Husband rushed out the door, already late for rugby training, I noticed that all too familiar pit of dread building in my stomach. I knew it was coming, I’d known all day. One of my main anxiety triggers is tiredness. My youngest is teething and I seem to have fallen into a perpetual cycle of being unable to sleep because I’m anxious, and being anxious because I’m unable to sleep. It’s a vicious circle that I’m struggling to get out of.
My 4 year old was in bed, falling asleep, and I was sat feeding my Daughter her last bottle before bed. The pit continued to build until I was no longer able to control my familiar physical symptoms (which just happen to be nauseousness and a desperate need to visit the loo). I had no option but to leave my Daughter alone in her cot while I desperately rushed to spend some alone time with the toilet.
When my physical symptoms occur, I am literally incapacitated. I am glued to the loo. I’m therefore a little annoyed that my Husband decided to leave the house despite knowing this was coming and that I had at least one child to still get to bed (I know deep down that it’s not fair that I asked him not to go).
I spent the best part of the next 20 minutes unable to leave the bathroom. My Daughter screamed the house down and promptly woke up my 4 year old who had dropped asleep only 30 minutes earlier. I was unable to leave the bathroom to look after my beautiful children and put them to bed. For those 20 minutes I felt so helpless and I still feel like the world’s worst mum. Surely I should not let my anxiety get in the way of tucking in my children and soothing them to sleep? I should have better control over it when they need me. My children are more important. I can’t help but wonder if I’d be a better mum if I had a better control of my symptoms, instead of feeling totally out of control.
I hate this horrible condition.
– Anxious Mummy