Anxiety · Parenting

The World’s Worst Mum?

Am I the world’s worst mum?

 

Tonight as my Husband rushed out the door, already late for rugby training, I noticed that all too familiar pit of dread building in my stomach.  I knew it was coming, I’d known all day.  One of my main anxiety triggers is tiredness.  My youngest is teething and I seem to have fallen into a perpetual cycle of being unable to sleep because I’m anxious, and being anxious because I’m unable to sleep.  It’s a vicious circle that I’m struggling to get out of.

 

My 4 year old was in bed, falling asleep, and I was sat feeding my Daughter her last bottle before bed.  The pit continued to build until I was no longer able to control my familiar physical symptoms (which just happen to be nauseousness and a desperate need to visit the loo).  I had no option but to leave my Daughter alone in her cot while I desperately rushed to spend some alone time with the toilet.

 

When my physical symptoms occur, I am literally incapacitated.  I am glued to the loo.  I’m therefore a little annoyed that my Husband decided to leave the house despite knowing this was coming and that I had at least one child to still get to bed (I know deep down that it’s not fair that I asked him not to go).

 

I spent the best part of the next 20 minutes unable to leave the bathroom.  My Daughter screamed the house down and promptly woke up my 4 year old who had dropped asleep only 30 minutes earlier.   I was unable to leave the bathroom to look after my beautiful children and put them to bed.  For those 20 minutes I felt so helpless and I still feel like the world’s worst mum.  Surely I should not let my anxiety get in the way of tucking in my children and soothing them to sleep?  I should have better control over it when they need me.  My children are more important.   I can’t help but wonder if I’d be a better mum if I had a better control of my symptoms, instead of feeling totally out of control.

 

I hate this horrible condition.

–  Anxious Mummy

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